


Ghosts of Krampus Past

by deadlegato



Series: Snake Eyes and Sinners [3]
Category: Hazbin Hotel (Web Series)
Genre: F/F, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-09
Updated: 2020-11-15
Packaged: 2021-03-09 02:08:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 15,700
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27477046
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deadlegato/pseuds/deadlegato
Summary: Charlie just wants to celebrate the upcoming visitation of the Krampus when things go horribly wrong. After Sir Pentious loses his memory, Arackniss wonders if they can fall in love for a second time. Meanwhile, other residents of the hotel go on a road-trip adventure to find the antidote to restore the snakes' memories and discover a plot that goes to the deepest circles of Hell.
Relationships: Arackniss/Sir Pentious (Hazbin Hotel), Charlie Magne/Vaggie
Series: Snake Eyes and Sinners [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2004868
Comments: 24
Kudos: 53





	1. Expect the first Ghost when the bell tolls one

**Author's Note:**

> Additional warnings for violent and/or gendered language

“You better not pout, you better not cry, you better look out… or that Krampus will get you what’s why. Krampus, Krampus, is coming to tooooooown,” Charlie sang, hanging up decorations.

“Hun, you’ve been putting up decorations since three in the morning,” a bathrobe clad Vaggie groaned, trying to force herself awake with Death Wish coffee. “How do you have any decorations LEFT?” she asked. She’d strong-armed Charlie into waiting until the day after the mortal ‘Thanksgiving’ to start decorating. She didn’t know that meant Charlie wouldn’t be able to sleep a wink in anticipation.

“Now that I’ve got my own place to decorate, I’m only halfway through what I’ve been storing up for the occasion!” Charlie said gleefully, twirling through the main lobby. “Can you go see if Sir Pentious is awake? My giant animatronic Krampus isn’t working properly, and I want to know if he can look at it.”

Vaggie sighed and wandered up the stairs. “Hey snake boy,” she called, knocking on his door. “You awake?” she asked.

Pentious groaned. “No,” he answered, his voice groggy.

“Well when you are awake, Charlie has things for you to fix,” Vaggie informed him, wandering back downstairs.

“Mmmmmmfff…” the snake moaned and buried his face back in his spider partner’s fluff, the end of his tail twitching happily. 

The sound of the speaking had started to stir the sleepy spider. Why did he have to be awake? The heated blankets the snake required to maintain his internal temperature in the drafty hotel just made the bed so perfectly warm, and to be able to hear the thumping of the snake’s heart so close to his head… Wait…

“OH SHIT!” Arackniss shouted suddenly, jumping up and almost punching Pentious in the face. “Shit shit shit shit…” he said, scrambling to find all his clothes scattered across the room. “I overslept! I meant to get out of here before anyone noticed I spent the night!” It took him a moment to find his hat, before he realized his hat was sitting on Hat. He couldn’t tell if that was intentional or if Hat was as confused as he was. Being non-verbal, Hat was… a bit of an enigma.

He buttoned his jacket up wrong but was in too much of a hurry to stop and fix it. “I’ll go out the fire escape and…” he opened the window. “… Why is there no fire escape?”

“Do you think Hell builds to code?” Pentious asked with a yawn.

“Well, I’m a… spider man. I’ll do… whatever a spider can,” he said, swinging outside of the window. He disappeared from the window for a moment, then reappeared. “Goodbye kiss?” he asked.

Pentious couldn’t lean out the window due to the protective barrier on the building, but Arackniss leaned in for his parting gift. With that, he was climbing down the building again.

He hated that he’d unintentionally got the spider man song stuck in his head. Enough people sung that at him on a regular basis that he could no longer stand hearing it. Had he not been so wound up in his own thoughts, he might have noticed something long and leggy skittering along the side of the building towards the open window. Or, he might have noticed the shape crawling out of the shadows behind him. As his foot touched the ground, someone suddenly grabbed him from behind and threw him hard up against the wall. Only having spider-like reflexes allowed him to break free and twist around to face his attacker.

“Dateline NBC, this is to Catch a Sssssssspider,” the attacker hissed. Crouching on the side of the building directly behind the hotel, blue eyes glowing with the intensity of blue fires, was a massive three-armed white cobra. As Arackniss’ bullets tore towards him, he vanished, letting the bullets ping wildly against the stone exterior of the adjacent building. He was looking around frantically when Ghost slowly started to emerge out of the shadows above him, arms outstretched.

“You walked into the wrong neighborhood this time, motherfucker,” Angel Dust shouted as he let loose his own barrage of fire, causing Ghost to once again vanish as he retreated.

“How rude. I don’t walk, I slither!” Ghost hissed, sticking out of a different shadow. He disappeared as bullets tore up his former location.

Inside the lobby, Vaggie and Charlie jumped. “What… what is that?!” Charlie cried.

“Sounds like gunfire,” Vaggie said, manifesting her own weapon and running outside.

Pentious had also heard the gunfire and rushed to his window. Seeing Ghost and Arackniss both below, he tried to get out the window, but the barrier sparked up and held him back. He pounded on it with both fists, screaming angrily at it, but it refused to break. The adrenaline coursing through his system as he was striking the window prevented him from feeling the sudden sharp pain in his tail. A shining blue centipede-like creature disappeared underneath his bed, its mouth dripping with the snake’s blood.

“You almost hit me!” Arackniss shouted at his brother as they rapidly scanned the area, looking for the snake to reappear.

“Almost isn’t the same as did, and oh, you’re welcome that I’m here saving your ass,” Angel noted. Cherri had arrived with him.

Ghost appeared directly to the left of them, grinning. They spun around, but by the time they had their guns aimed, he was gone again.

“Damn it, the fucking vanishing act again,” Arackniss grunted. “Look out, he can come out of any shadow.” That wasn’t entirely true. Ghost could only move from shadow to shadow if they were connected, but in the side alley by the hotel, there were plenty of shadows to move in.

“Including your own!” Ghost crowed, appearing behind Cherri and pushing her forward. She slammed into Angel, who took Arackniss down with him when they all fell in a pile on the ground. Ghost laughed hysterically. “Tell me, if I’m a motherfucker, doesn’t that also make itsy-bitsy spider there a motherfucker too, since he’s after what’s MINE,” Ghost screeched before disappearing into the wall again, just before a rain of bullets left a swiss cheese pattern on it.

“He’s running circles around us,” Cherri groaned. “Trying to hit him is like trying to eat soup with a fork!”

“Quick, stand back to back so he can’t sneak up on us,” Arackniss ordered as the three huddled up.

“Everyone cover your eyes. Fucker can’t pull his shadow trick if there are no shadows!” Cherri announced, pulling out a flashbang.

There was a loud and pained shriek when the sudden lighting up of the alley caused the shadow Ghost was hiding in to vanish, forcing him to materialize. He rose up on his tail. “Cute,” he hissed.

“We know you’ve got an angelic weapon. Drop it before we punch a few new assholes in you,” Angel ordered.

Vaggie came around the corner, holding her bathrobe shut with one hand and her spear in the other. “Vags, look out! Don’t let your shadow touch any other shadows!” Cherri shouted to her.

Ghost grinned at them. “Did you happen to think that maybe I’m just the distraction, and the real threat is inside your precious hotel right now?!” he asked with a hiss.

“Charlie!” Vaggie cried, turning and running back towards the hotel. Arackniss tried to lunge forward at Ghost, but enough shadows had returned that he was able to dive into one and vanish. As he disappeared, his laughter echoed off the walls of the alley.

.

“It would seem he was bluffing,” Vaggie grunted. The hotel had been searched thoroughly, and nothing had been found. Although with all the decorating Charlie had done, it was kind of hard to tell for certain if anything was out of place. “Of course, he’d have to show up one of the few times Alastor isn’t here and could have actually been useful for once.”

“… Actually, I’m not sure Al is the best match for Ghost,” Husk frowned in deep thought. “A lot of Al’s powers are shadow based, right? So are Ghost’s. If anything, he might accidentally give Ghost more points to attack from. It’s also possible that he’s intentionally avoiding a run in with Al if he IS afraid of the Radio Demon being able to take him out.”

After a few more moments of silence, Angel Dust turned to his brother, who was trying to comfort the miserable-looking snake on the couch next to him. Angel looked them both up and down. In the smuggest tone he was capable of, he said, “by the way, you are so buuuuuusted,” he added. “How does it feel to be caught with a butt full of snake dick, sir?”

“You… you got the wrong idea! I just wanted to make sure he was coming down from the pot safely and I accidentally fell asleep!” Arackniss stammered.

“And that’s why you had to sneak out the window?” Cherri asked.

“Wait, were you two ALSO waiting for me outside?!”

“And for a dang long time too. You really slept in. But I suppose if you haven’t cleaned your gun in a while and Pentious had a full double barrel…” He was enjoying watching both his brother and the snake grow redder in the face.

“I’m telling you, I just stayed to make sure he wasn’t going to have a bad trip!” the sweating spider snapped back.

“Tell that to Baxter. His room is under Pentious’, you know.”

“Please oil your bed springs and fix that headboard,” Baxter groaned. He was certain he was getting a migraine from lack of sleep.

“Or maybe he wanted you to know he was getting laid while all you have is blue balls,” Angel grinned at the fish demon.

“… Can we tell Ghost he can just kill me now?” a very flushed Pentious asked, pulling his hood in front of his face in embarrassment.

“I don’t need to hear any of this,” Baxter said, getting up. “I’m going back to my room.”

Arackniss looked his brother directly in the eyes. “Why don’t you stop playing the joker and say what you’re really thinking. I know the look in your eyes when you can’t match your inside and your outside.”

Angel’s smile melted. “You want to know what I’m thinking? Fine. You were the one who stood by and watched dad beat the shit out of me and throw me out on the streets when I came out of the closet, and now you’re… you’re… You’re trying to keep being daddy’s good boy while you’ve been having your boyfriend’s cake and eating it too?! Am I supposed to feel better about all of that just because you’re all whee I’m gay too now?? Is HE supposed to feel great that you’re willing to date him only as long as no one knows about it?! He’s just sitting there looking at his hands while you deny that you have any feelings for him to his face!”

“First, I am NOT gay!” he said angrily, getting up and pointing a finger upwards towards his brother. “I’m bisexual! And second, Pent is also bi and non-binary!”

“Well if he’s got two dicks and you’re riding them, you two ain’t exactly straight!”

“I thought you’d be the one to understand!”

“Understand? Yeah, I understand. You’re happy to keep fucking him, but only in secret because you care more about what pops thinks than you care about your so-called-boyfriend” he snarled, and Pentious looked genuinely hurt. His face was painfully twisted.

“Go fuck yourself!” Arackniss shouted.

“I’d say the same, but you already got Pentious to do that for you!”

Before they could argue further, the snake suddenly pitched forward onto the ground with a heavy thud. “Pent!” Arackniss shouted, kneeling next to Pentious.

“Did we hurt his delicate feelings and he got the vapors?”

“Shut up, ANTHONY, this is serious,” he snapped back. “He’s freezing cold.”

Husk narrowed his eyes and picked up the end of Pentious’ tail. “The hells is this?” he asked. There was a ring of what appeared to be sharp teeth marks punching through the scales of the snake’s tail. It was hard to tell on the black scales, but they could clearly see the area around the yellow scales was turning bluish everywhere there was a mark.

“Pent? Pent, baby, wake up!” the spider fussed, cradling the snake in his arms.

“Get him back up to his room and warm him up, I’ll call my family doctor,” Charlie shouted to Arackniss.


	2. Forget Me Not

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A road trip and a memory of a chance meeting.

“Damn it, why didn’t he tell us he’d been bitten by…. something?” Arackniss said in frustration. Normally seeing the snake sleeping would be cute. In this moment, it made his heart feel sick. The doctor, a greying goat demon, had arrived and was studying the bite wounds on the snake’s tail. “He’s such an idiot,” Arackniss sighed, but the last word came out in Italian.

“He was probably too worried about making sure you were okay,” Charlie suggested, trying to be as comforting to the darker colored spider as she could.

As they were standing over the bed watching the doctor working with his stethoscope, Husk’s ears twitched. He heard a skittering noise. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw something trying to slip out from under the bed. Cat-like instincts activated, he pounced. In a moment he had the squealing centipede in his mouth, shaking it back and forth wildly in a death toss until it went silent. Niffty fetched a glass container, which they sealed it in with duct tape just in case it would happen to wake up. “Guess we didn’t search EVERYWHERE,” he grumbled, spitting the taste of it out of his mouth.

The doctor frowned. “This is a Forget Me Not, an ironically named demonic centipede normally found only in the eighth circle. Back in the old days when Hell was bigger on the torture aspect of eternal punishment, after some time, sinners would become numb to the pain. Using the bite of the Forget Me Not was a way to make them feel the pain of the punishment as freshly as the day they arrived in hell. They can be trained to attack specific demons by associating that demon’s scent with a painful stimulus, like an electric shock.”

“And Ghost had plenty of access to Pent’s scent since he broke into his house. He could have stolen anything.”

“Regardless… what this creature does is it blocks out all memories made after the victim’s death. In other words, it’s not fatal, but when he wakes up, he won’t remember ever having been in Hell. He won’t remember… any of you.”

Arackniss went cold all over. “Is… is there an antidote? A cure?”

“There are two potential cures. The memories aren’t gone, only blocked. They can be restored by doing things that will bring those memories out again. Familiar demons, familiar places, familiar scents… any of them can work, but that is the slow and painful way to do it. The faster way is to make an anti-venom using saliva from the Forever Yours centipede, which is also normally only found in the eighth circle of Hell.”

Arackniss stood up. “Then I’m off to the eighth circle of hell.”

“No. You know him the best, so you should stay here and try to see if you can bring his memories back. Someone else should go to the eighth circle.”

“I’ll go,” Angel Dust said darkly. The others looked at him in surprise. “I’ll go, but in return… you gotta be honest. You gotta tell everyone that you actually give a shit about him if I’m going to go through all this trouble for you.”

“I’ll go as well. Edgelord is my best enemy. I can’t have him throwing in the towel on me,” Cherri bravely volunteered.

“Oooooooor… you could just visit Hell’s foremost expert on demon venom, who lives just outside of central city and probably has one of two of those in his collection. You might even be able to trade the Forget Me Not to him for some venom to make the antidote,” Baxter informed them. “But in return for me being nice enough to mention it, could you PLEASE move him to a room that isn’t directly above mine once this is all over?”

.

“ROAD TRIP!” Cherri shouted, taking the driver seat as she was the only one of the recruited crew who could even be moderately trusted to drive the rental car. “Driver picks the music, passengers shut their cake holes!”

“Why am I being dragged along?” Husk groaned from the backseat. Niffty was bouncing up and down, also shouting “road trip, road trip.” She’d brought a bag of road snacks that was bigger than she was.

“In case this venom expert doesn’t want to give up the goods and I need some muscle to put a little convincing on him,” Angel explained.

“Then why not take Al? He’s the scary one.”

“Too scary,” Cherri pointed out. “We want this guy to hand over the anti-venom, not faint when he sees us.”

“… Does this have anything to do with the fact that he’d likely want control over the radio the whole trip?”

“No,” Angel and Cherri both said, but Husk new they were lying. “Look, no offense to the biiiig scary radio demon, but I’m really not interested in listening to any Prairie Home Companion bullshit or whatever he’d be into for the next… six hours,” she said, looking at the GPS. ‘Just outside’ of central city her ass.

“Did I hear someone say Prairie Home Companion for six hours?!” came an extremely familiar voice through the radio and everyone in the car jumped.

“What are you doing in our radio!?” Angel Dust shouted at the control panel.

“My dear effeminate fellow, I am in EVERY radio. I just thought I should keep an ear open to make sure this trip goes smoothly and safely. Wouldn’t want anything to happen to my darling Niffty now, would I?”

“Thanks, Al,” Husk snorted in response.

“You’re very welcome, Husker! If I remember correctly, your favorite music was acapella country bluegrass.”

“You remember wrong.”

“No, I’m absolutely certain it was. So, if you’re not interested in six hours of quality radio broadcasting, I think I’ll dedicate the next six hours to your favorite songs.”

.

“Any movement yet from Pentious?” Charlie asked a worried Arackniss.

“Nothing too much yet, other than rolling over a few times,” he answered.

The Egg Bois were very concerned, and trying to be helpful but mostly getting underfoot.

The eyelids on the snake’s face started to twitch. Charlie and Arackniss leaned in. Slowly, the pink-red eyes slid open. It took him a moment to focus on the faces looking down at him. He looked back and forth from Charlie, to Vaggie, to Arackniss. Eventually, he looked down at the Egg Boi sitting on his arm.

“Bossman, you’re okay!” it said in its slow, halted tone.

The snake let out a shriek that could shatter crystal and tried to crawl up the wall by digging his claws into it. They had to jump back or take a face full of writhing tail, slamming into and throwing everything in its way onto the ground.

“Calm down, calm down!” Charlie called to the snake.

“I... Is this a bad dream? Or... or was I actually successful in creating a demon summoning sigil?” he asked, looking wildly around the room at them. “Where are my legs?!”

“Stop screaming! You’re in Hell. You’ve been in Hell for over a hundred years!”

“This is... I’ve been...?” he slowly slid back into the bed, blank-faced.

“You were bit by a centipede that causes amnesia. Some of our friends are trying to get the antidote right now,” Charlie explained.

“Friends?” he asked, still shaking out his head. “You’re... not my... eternal servants...?” he asked, sounding disappointed.

“No, but we are, bossman!” one of the remaining Egg Bois said cheerfully. Pentious reached out and poked it, staring at his own hand in the process as if in shock over its appearance.

“I... expected something a little different when I joined that occult seminar...” he said, rubbing his head. His hood puffed up in response to the touch. “... I have living hair?!” he asked, getting a little overwhelmed. “How am I doing this?”

“I imagine this is a little strange, Sir Pentious, but you need to breathe before you hyperventilate,” Charlie said, trying to comfort him by patting his arm.

“... I’m a Sir? When did I get knighted? Was... was that while I was alive or in Hell?”

None of them had the heart to tell the confused snake that he’d just made up the name while stoned.

“If... if I’m Sir Pentious, who are all of you?” he asked.

“I’m Charlie, the princess of Hell. You really don’t remember me?”

“The princess of... did YOU knight me?” he asked, eyes shining brightly as the pupils widened. “Your highness, please excuse me for now showing proper respect!” he cried, trying to bow to her as best he could while still not fully in control of his body.

“I...”

“Let’s just go with that for now,” Vaggie said. “I’m Vaggie.”

“I’m Arackniss. Your... uh... your partner.”

“Business partner? Partner in crime?” he asked.

“No, your... partner, partner. Your bo... bo... boyfriend,” the flushed spider finally managed to spit out.

“Oh... oh! Terribly sorry for not remembering that! We must have gone to school together, then? Same boarding school, old chums?”

“Not that kind of boyfriend, you noodle brain! We’ve been dating for nearly three years now!”

.

“This are pastries from the place we met,” Arackniss aid when the delivery arrived. “Do you remember any of this?”

The snake frowned and tried some of the cake. “It… feels… nostalgic… but I’m not…”

.

Arackniss entered his favorite hole-in-the-wall hideaway pastry shop, shaking out his umbrella after having escaped the pouring rain outside.

He was surprised to find the place was packed wall-to-wall with weirdly dressed demons. The first thing he noticed was everyone seemed to be wearing goggles, and some of them were wearing multiple pairs of them. The clothing style beyond that looked old-fashioned, even compared to what Arackniss usually wore.

“What’s up with the freaks?” he asked the spider girl at the counter. He’d had half his eyes on her for a while, but she didn’t seem interested.

“The Steampunk picnic in the park got rained out, so they moved it into here,” she answered.

“What’s Steam… punk?” he asked.

“It’s what happens when goths discover brown,” she shrugged. “Will you be taking your order to go, then?”

“I’d prefer to drink my coffee while it’s hot and dry out a bit. There has to be a seat left somewhere…”

As he wove his way through the chatty crowd, he finally spotted what he thought was an open table. That was, until a large bear of a demon that had been blocking his vision moved and he saw that the other side of the table was already occupied by a large black and yellow snake. He’d never had the experience of being struck by cupid’s arrow before, but that was the only way he could describe it. Long black hair, tiny hourglass waist, large hips, Victorian mourning dress with the most alluring sleeves and a deep v neck with a lace inset on top… Let’s just say, if Arackniss had a type, you could describe it as having a major boner for Morticia Adams. And this was as close as he was going to get to that in snake form.

It was as if angelic music had started to play all around him. Hello, is it me you're looking for? I can see it in your eyes, I can see it in your smile. You're all I've ever wanted, and my arms are open wide… he frowned and looked up at the music coming out of the speakers in the ceiling. He wasn’t a huge Lionel Richie fan, but this place seemed to thrive on its 1980’s music playlist. Which was kind of strange when it was filled with demons dressed like they’d fallen out of the 1880’s.

“He… hello,” he said, a bit flushed. “Do you mind if I join you at your table? The… the place is kind of busy.”

“Go right ahead,” the snake said with a waving hand gesture, looking up at him with all its eyes. Pentious had been planning on meeting up with a potential date at the tea party, but as soon as the potential realized he was venomous and not a constrictor… they’d hit the road. He was tired of guys with crush fetishes seeing him only for his body.

Odd voice, Arackniss thought, but not a complete turn-off. “That’s a very nice dress,” he said, still a little flushed. “I really like the l… lace top…”

The snake brightened up. “Thank you! Although I’m not sure what you are. Are you an anachronistic gangster?”

“I’m not part of the picnic! I just happened to wander in because I like the pastries and coffee here,” he explained. “So, ah… what’s… steampunk?”

“Ah, it’s a recreational appreciation of the style of the Victorian era!” the snake said proudly, eyes shining excitedly. “Although some people think it means sticking as many gears and goggles on a single outfit as they can.”

“I noticed,” Arackniss snorted. “I see you also got the strawberry cream.”

“It’s the best kind they have,” the snake responded. “Not that the others are bad, just that this one is best.”

“Yea… yeah. I haven’t ever seen you around before…”

“Oh, I only recently moved to central city. I’ve been working on some… long term plans. I thought this picnic might be a chance to get to meet some demons with the same interest as myself, but they’re all just costumers role-playing inventors,” the snake sighed, stirring its coffee.

“You’re an inventor?”

“Inventing is my passion, but… I make my money doing repairs, mostly, at least until I have enough to move onto something bigger and better. I can repair almost anything!... If it’s analogue technology,” the snake frowned, remembering how much trouble he’d been having with his cell phone. 

“… What about a ninth circle cuckoo clock?” Arackniss asked, thinking of his father’s favorite broken clock. He needed a Krampus gift for his pops, and if this snake could fix such a thing…

“Well I’ve never tried, but I can certainly look at it. Here, let me get your phone…. Ah, I just got this cell phone and I don’t know how to use the damn thing yet,” the snake fumbled.

“Here, let me call you and you can answer. Then you can save my number in your phone. Name’s Arackniss, by the way.”

The snake provided him with a phone number. “Sir Pentious,” the snake introduced.

“Serpent… eyes?” Arackniss asked, not quite hearing the snake properly because of the noise in the café.

“Correct,” the snake said, also not hearing that Arackniss said it wrong in the noise. “Is something wrong?” He asked as he struggled to type Arackniss into his phone.

“It’s just… a very literal name.”

The snake made a face. “I know. Anyway, feel free to give me a ring anytime during working hours Monday through Saturday. You can leave a message if I don’t answer right away. Oh, shoot, I messed up and now it just says Niss in my contacts. Stupid phone.”

“Niss is fine,” he smiled.

They had quite a pleasant conversation, talking until long after most of the rest of the picnic had filtered out of the café. “It was nice talking to you, but I really should get home,” the snake said, dropping a tip on the table as it packed up.

“Do you need me to call you a taxi? Or… if it isn’t too creepy because we just met… I could offer you a ride home?”

“Oh, no, my ride is waiting for me outside,” the snake informed him. They walked outside together. The snake took a flashlight out of its purse-like bag and flashed it a few times at the sky. Out of the clouds, a rope ladder descended. Only then could Arackniss make out the outline of a blimp in the clouds above them.

“Talk to you later, Niss!” The snake waved as the ladder retracted upwards, leaving the spider behind with his heart thumping loudly in his chest. A moment later, Arackniss realized he’d left his umbrella inside, and went back to retrieve it.

“Must be talking to an angel, must be talking to an angel” came repeatedly from the speakers overhead as he retrieved his forgotten property. Damn, couldn’t this place get any music that WASN’T from the 80’s? Still… he let out a sigh, his heart still going a mile a minute in his chest. He’d just met the most beautiful and elegant lady snake demon in all of hell.

… Or so he thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lyrics credits  
> Lionel Richie- Hello  
> Eurythmics - There Must be an Angel (Playing with my Heart)
> 
> Also nothing against country bluegrass if that's your thing, I just went with it because that's what my dad would play on road trips when he got to the point where he couldn't stand the Muppets Movie on 8-track one more time. (Showing my age a bit here huh?) 
> 
> My dad is also the only person I know who can bass-shake his car playing loud polka.


	3. Hell's Balls

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Angel Dust gets to see some balls.

“Welcome to Hell’s largest ball of rubber bands!” Niffty said, giving a peace sign as she took a selfie.

“… How is any of this helping us get an antidote for Pentious,” Husk asked gruffly.

“I almost never get out of the city, let me have a little fun!” Angel complained back. “Besides, it’s not like he and my brother are going anywhere. Oh, my, Lucifer! Cherri, they have an I saw Hell’s largest balls and didn’t get mine sucked shirt! I neeeeeeeed it!” he cried, pointing to the gift shop.

“I’m getting a Where in Hell are Hell’s largest balls bumper sticker,” Niffty said.

“Hell’s largest balls? Plural? I only see one,” Husk grunted.

“Oh, Hell’s largest ball of yarn is behind the souvenir shop,” Niffty pointed out.

A look came over the cat’s face. A terrible, horrible, no-good look. “HUSK, NO!” the others screamed, running after him.

.

Back at the hotel, Pentious was messing around on the lounge piano. “I don’t remember ever learning this song, but my fingers still know the notes,” he said in a sadly wistful tone. “Did we have a song?” he asked, looking curiously up at Arackniss. “You know, something that… when it came on the radio… we’d say, ‘They’re playing our song?”

“You weren’t fond of the radio for… reasons,” Arackniss said. No need to get into that now. “Actually, the first time I visited you at your house, you were wearing a My Chemical Romance shirt because you’d heard it was what the hip demons were listening to. But I think you’re more of a Don’t Stop Believing sung badly at karaoke type.” He knew that for a fact, as he’d seen it.

.

Arackniss looked up at the large Victorian house. It was surrounded by a double-layer of wrought-iron fences. The fences had red eyes on top that creepily moved, watching him as he walked up the stone pathway to the front door. This place was clearly a fixer-upper, as there were weeds sprouting everywhere through the bricks in the path. Several of the windows were still boarded over.

There was a sign on the building that said ‘NOT AN APARTMENT COMPLEX. GO AWAY.’ Underneath it was another sign that said “THERE ARE NO WHORES IN THIS HOUSE. GO AWAY TWICE.’ Arackniss snorted.

He tried the door knocker, as there didn’t appear to be a bell. The mail slot suddenly opened, and he could see yellow eyes peering out at him. “What’s the password?” a strange, halting voice said.

“Password?” he asked.

The eyes disappeared from the mail slot and the door creaked open. “You know the password. You may enter,” the little creature said. Was that an… egg? Did Serpent Eyes have kids?!

“Arackniss, you’re early!” the snake cried, a bit flustered. He (although yet, at this point, Arackniss was still mistakenly assuming he was dealing with a female snake) was wearing comically large oven mitts and removing cookies from an oven. “I wanted to finish some snacks before you arrived since you came such a long way to visit me!” The snake’s hood was held back out of his face with two industrial-strength scrunchies.

“Well, I mean, I came on business…” he said, trying not to flush. “I brought the clock for you to have a look at.”

The snake set down his oven mitts and removed his ‘Hiss the Cook’ apron. Arackniss let out an involuntary snort. “My Chemical Romance, huh?” he asked, spotting the snake’s shirt.

“The clerk at Hell Topic told me it’s what all the hip demons are listening to!” Pentious frowned. “And I didn’t want to get my nice clothes dirty if the clock is messy inside.”

Arackniss watched as the snake carefully unwrapped it, humming a song he couldn’t identify as he did. “Let me see, let me see,” he said to himself as he unscrewed the back. A wave of tiny spiders fled from inside as soon as he lifted the back panel, causing the snake to jump backwards in such a way that Arackniss had to hold out his arms and catch the snake to avoid being flattened by him.

“Er, sorry, hope I didn’t offend your family. I just wasn’t expecting them to be inside the clock in such large numbers.

“Trust me, those aren’t family,” Arackniss responded. “Speaking of family…” he said, noticing the eggs peering suspiciously around a corner at him. “Are those your… uh… your… eggs?”

“If you’re asking if they’re my offspring, no. A former associate of mine taught me to make clay golems, but I always found them too slow and clumsy for my needs. Plus, they must be explicitly ordered to perform every action. They’re not capable of independent thought. I got to thinking, what if I applied the combination of magic and technology that creates golems to something with an inherent force of life itself instead of something that is inherently lifeless? They’re not perfect yet, but they’re getting better over time. I’ve tried about a half dozen different types of eggs, but so far, only chicken eggs have the durability for what I need in order to complete the animation process without ending up with scrambled eggs and…” Pentious suddenly stopped. His hood had been flared with excitement, stretching the ties to the limit, while he talked. It suddenly went down. “Sorry. I talk too much about things no one cares about,” he said. “Let’s go back to your clock.”

Arackniss felt a twinge in his throat. The snake was clearly used to having others stomp on him when he tried to talk about things that made him happy. Arackniss had seen that face and that reaction on his brother before, when their father would stop his chattering about his joys with a backhand across the jaw. 

“It’s… it’s okay. You’re kind of cute when you’re talking about things that make you happy…” the snake looked up suddenly, curiously, eyes meeting the spiders’. “I mean, uh… ahem! So, how about that clock?!”

“It’s all full of web. No wonder it stopped working,” Pentious said. “I’m going to need a couple of strong wire brushes. It’s hard to tell if there’s more damage without getting all the webbing out. But first,” Pentious said, slithering over to a large chest freezer and placing the clock inside.

“… What are you doing?”

“This will render any other crawly surprises inside at least unconscious so I can remove them without reenacting a scene from a horror movie. Now, once I wash my hands a few dozen times, are you interested in any cookies? And since you came all this way… maybe… Netflix and Chill?”

.

Arackniss had thought the snake moved faster than he expected for someone who seemed so old-fashioned. But no. The snake really WAS that old-fashioned, and Netflix and Chill to the snake literally meant… Netflix and Chill.

“You’re a really good cook,” Arackniss said in surprise. He hadn’t expected anything from cookies made by a snake, but they were delicious.

“Well, more of a baker than a cook,” Pentious explained. “Baking is just chemistry, measuring perfectly and being exact with your temperatures. Cooking is a little more free form, and… well… I’m not the best when it comes to improvisation.”

Arackniss stretched out and started to reach out sneakily around behind the snake’s shoulders when his phone started blasting out a ring tone he couldn’t ignore. He sighed, answering it. “Yeah, pops? Yeah. Uh-uh. Yeah. I get it. I’ll be there,” he said, hanging up. “Sorry, Serpent, gotta go. Work calls.”

He could tell the snake was disappointed for a moment, but then his eyes lit up. “One second!” the snake said brightly, slithering from the room for a moment before returning with a bag containing cookies. “You said you were getting this clock fixed for your father, right? Why don’t you take some cookies to him as well, as a gift from me? It seems like you really care about your dad, so I’d like to do something nice for him too.”

“Yeah, I really… care…” Arackniss said slowly. “I’ll call you later about the clock, okay?”

.

After Pentious closed the door, the eggs turned to one another. “I don’t like that guy,” one said.

“Eyes too close together.”

“Too many eyes.”

“Small, squinty eyes.”

“Too hairy.”

“Oh, stop it, you,” Pentious sighed. “I’m going to have to start numbering you so I can tell you apart,” he said as he herded them back into his house.

.

“They’re a gift from a woman I just met,” Arackniss said as his father stared at the bag of cookies in confusion.

A frown crossing his face, Henroin crushed the bag in his hand until there were only crumbs. “I don’t mind you banging a dame on the side, boy, but the minute she starts doing sweet stuff for you like making cookies, she’s thinking of marriage. I don’t need you thinking about those kinds of distractions. Do I make myself clear?” he asked.

“… Very clear, sir.”

.

“It sure is quiet without Angel here,” Charlie noted, stirring Arackniss out of his trip down memory lane.

“Yeah, it’s almost… too quiet. We know the barrier works to keep Ghost out, but we don’t know what other tricks he might have up his…” Arackniss paused and frowned. Ghost couldn’t really have a trick up his sleeve because the few times he’d seen him, the snake hadn’t been wearing clothing. Before losing his memory, Pentious had theorized that Ghost might not be able to teleport his clothing through shadows with him. Which might also mean he couldn’t directly carry the angelic weapon with him. That wasn’t all that reassuring, because he could easily hide it in a place he planned an ambush ahead of time. “I hope they get that antidote quickly.”

.

Angel, now wearing his balls shirt and licking an ice cream cone, guided a very wet and angry Husk back to the car. “Come on, you have to anticipate they’d have an anti-cat security system on the largest ball of yarn,” he comforted, patting Husk’s shoulder.

“I was against making this stop in the first place,” he grunted, shaking off one last time before getting into the car.

“Everyone used the bathroom and ready to go?” Cherri asked. “I hope you did, cuz I’m pulling out!”

“Ready,” Angel said.

“I’m good,” Husk grunted.

“Ready!” Niffty said, waving a hand.

“Ready!” another voice said. Husk, Angel, and Cherri looked around in confusion, before turning around to find a smiling cockroach demon sitting next to Nifty in her seat.

“What the…”

“This is Roachbert. He’s an old friend of mine. We happened to run into each other, and it turns out he needed a lift in the direction we were going, so I said he could ride with us!”

“Niffty, you really need to ask the rest of us before you make a decision like that,” Cherri sighed. “But I suppose it can’t hurt. Just so long as there aren’t any other surprises.”

“And no more distractions,” Husk added.

“Hey, according to my phone, Hell’s scariest Haunted House is only an hour away from here and it’s still along our route!” Angel informed them.

“… How does Hell have a scariest Haunted House?” Husk asked.

“Guess there’s only one way to find out,” Angel replied, adding it as a waypoint on their trip.

“No, that’s not what I…” Husk sank down in his seat. “I’m too sober for this.”

“Sorry, but we wouldn’t want to run afoul of any open bottle laws in a car rented under the princess’ name,” Cherri reminded him.

“Oooh, ooh, but we could SING about it!” Roachbert suggested. “Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall,” he started, and Niffty joined him on the second line “Ninety-nine bottles of beer!” Just as Husk was about to think things couldn’t get any worse, the radio crackled to life, and a third voice joined in with “You take one down, pass it around, ninety-eight bottles of beer on the wall. Ninety-eight bottles of beer on the wall…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My mental Alastor would like you all to know that he normally wouldn't be caught dead (literally) singing that song, but if it's going to annoy Husk and Angel Dust...


	4. Keychain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stop threatening me with a good time.

“How about this? Do you remember this?” Arackniss asked, showing Pentious a keychain. It had been broken in half and repaired, so it was a little bit hard to see the image inside.

“Is that... us... on a log flume ride?” the snake asked, squinting at it. “I look like I’m having fun. You look like...”

“Like you dragged me on the ride and I had just gotten a massive face full of bromine-scented amusement park water,” he nodded.

“I... I DO remember that park! They were the only place I’ve been that had a snake-sized meal for a reasonable price.”

“Yeeaaah, you’re... almost remembering that one right.”

.

“How’s the progress on the clock?” Arackniss asked, trying to ignore the eggs giving him dirty looks over the edge of the couch. There seemed to be more of them than the last time he had visited.

“Mostly it just needed a good cleaning, but a few parts are so worn down that I’ve decided to replace them. Otherwise, you’d just need it fixed again in a few years,” Pentious explained. “But you really didn’t have to drive all the way out here just to check on the clock. You could call me.”

“Is... is my stopping by disturbing you?” the spider asked distantly, worried.

“Oh, no, I didn’t mean it that way! I just didn’t want to be an inconvenience to you.” Ah, awkward, they name is snake and spider.

“Well, I... um... I also wanted to ask... if you'd like to... go to the amusement park this weekend?” he finally managed to spit out. He wasn’t normally one to seek out an amusement park, but his father suspected the park wasn’t paying their fair share of ticket revenues to the gang for ‘protection and insurance fees’. He’d ordered his most reliable son to scope the place out. “I’ve got tickets, so you wouldn’t have to pay...”

“Is that the theme park with the wooden roller coasters?” Pentious asked, excited but not trying to sound like it. Those were favorites. There was a slight twitch in the end of his tail that betrayed his enthusiasm as well.

“I think it has one or two.”

“That sounds like a very nice idea. After all, even a great evil genius can’t be all work and no play,” Pentious agreed.

.

Meanwhile, our valiant heroes in the rental car hadn’t moved in half an hour.

“How can there be a traffic jam all the way out here?” Cherri asked in annoyance.

“I’ll stick my head out the window and see if I can spot the cause,” Angel volunteered, climbing halfway out of the car.

“See anything?” Husk asked.

“There’s a turkey in the road.”

“A turkey?! All this congestion for a turkey?”

“A forty-foot demon turkey,” Angel answered.

.

“Nice... outfit...” Arackniss said, trying not to laugh. He felt weird wearing a plain blue T-shirt and navy shorts since he was trying to ‘blend in’ with the crowd. The snake, however, had gone the complete opposite direction and was wearing a bright red tube-top under a white bolero jacket with oversized lapels and what the spider assumed were enormous shoulder pads.

The snake frowned, clearly seeing through the spider. “What’s wrong with my outfit?” Pentious asked. “I am wearing light and bright colors so that I don’t get too hot and you can find me in a crowd!... Also, I can’t wear anything that covers this thing without it getting all irritated from the rubbing,” he said, poking at the eye in the middle of his chest.

Arackniss quickly looked away, not wanting to give the impression he was staring at the snake’s chest, as flat as it might be. He was okay with the flat chest, as he was more of an ass-man, and boy... the snake had ass in spades. “Are you sure you’re not too hot already?” Sir Pentious asked, noticing his blush. “Do you have your sunscreen? You can use some of mine if you need,” the snake offered, pulling a massive bottle out of the bag he was carrying.

“You certainly came prepared.”

“My scales are mostly black and I’m an ectotherm. I overheat easily if I’m not careful.”

“Yeah, I guess that makes sense. And sorry about earlier, I was just... um... noticing that you didn’t have your hat today.”

“There’s too much of a chance I could lose Hat on a ride, so I set the Egg Brothers at work giving him a good full cleaning today.”

“Egg... brothers?”

“... Name’s a work in progress,” Pentious grumbled.

“Also, I don’t think I’ll have any problems finding you in a crowd. You’re quite distinctive looking. It’s why I noticed you at the café.” Stupid, stupid, he thought to himself. Why would you say something dumb like that? That was about as smooth as stepping on glass.

“Really? I thought it was just because the only seat open was at my table,” Pentious answered, and Arackniss could genuinely not tell if the snake was being sarcastic, or if he really was that naïve.

.

“Are you sure you are all right?” Pentious asked, steadying a wobbly spider as they exited the ride.

Embarrassed that he’d gotten motion sick on only the second ride, Arackniss tried to shrug off the concerned snake, leaning on the railing that lead from the exit of the ride. “Oh, this ride must make a lot of demons sick, look at how much vomit there is in the bushes!” Pentious declared.

That was all it took to bring up what Arackniss was trying to keep down.

.

“Maybe you are getting sick from overheating. Perhaps some sunglasses would help,” Pentious suggested, pulling a pair off a display rack and putting them on the queasy spider. He looked blankly at the snake.

“These don’t even cover half of my eyes,” he pointed out. “I just need to get some ice.” Now that he thought about it, this might be the perfect cover to check out the operational functions of the park by claiming he needed to be seen at first aid. “Wait, you might be right; I should make a quick stop by the first aid station just to be sure I don’t have heat stroke. Will you be okay waiting for me here?” he asked.

“I will be fine,” the snake assured him. Pentious was seated at a table in the shade of a concrete tree. “There are plenty of food stands nearby if I need a drink or get hungry. But are you sure you don’t want me to walk you to the first aid station?” Not that the snake COULD walk, but it was the thought that counted.

“I’ll be fine. I’ll be back as fast as I can,” he nodded, heading out.

.

“Keep running! Don’t stop until we make it to the car!” Angel Dust shouted. He was carrying Niffty; Husk was directly behind him carrying Roachbert.

The group leaped into the car, slamming and locking the doors as quickly as they could. “Start the car, start the car!” Angel urged Cherri.

There was a thumping sound at the side of the car. A creepy-looking humanoid in a priest’s outfit was standing there, trying to pull the door open. “Come out, come out, we haven’t even gotten through the first song of the sermon. Kumbaya and Amazing Grace are coming up next!”

Two more humanoids dressed as choir boys started pounding on the back windows. “Come out, you can’t leave without after church coffee and dry stale donuts!”

The car roared to life, Cherri not caring if she flattened the humanoids as she tore out of the parking lot, tires squealing. Behind them, Hell’s scariest Haunted House loomed: a lovely white suburban church.

.

Pentious was quietly scrolling through his new phone when he got the sensation that someone was looking at him. His hood puffed up slightly as he noticed a particular scent coming towards him on the breeze. Great, he thought. Mambas.

Two green mambas and one black mamba plopped down at his table. “Hey, scaly. All alone?” the black mamba asked, flicking his tongue in a lewd fashion.

“No. I’m waiting for my DATE to get back from the first aid station,” the snake hissed, then paused. He’d just said date out loud, hadn’t he?

“You mean the shrimp of a spider we saw you slithering around with earlier?” one of the green snakes asked with a chortle. “We thought you were babysitting.”

“Honey,” the black mamba, who was apparently the leader of the group, said as he slithered closer. “A baby man like that can’t satisfy you. Bet he can’t even fill you up. I mean, I may not be an anaconda, but I sure want those buns, hun.”

Pentious hissed, hood fully up now. “Don’t push me or you’ll find out whether you can fill me up. I’m a king cobra.”

“Ooooh, that sounds kinky, baby! I guess that means you spit and you swallow,” the other snake demon laughed.

Well, Pentious thought. He asked for it.

As Arackniss returned from the first aid station, and from determining that the park WAS indeed cheating his father on paying their fees, he was nearly knocked to the ground by two screaming green mamaba demons. They were tearing out of the park as fast as their tails could take them. “Watch out boy, she’s a man eater!” one screamed.

“Hey, Serpent,” Arackniss said, joining his date at the table. “Sorry that took longer than expected. Do you know what was up with those other snakes? They were slithering away like they’d just seen Lucifer himself.”

“Hmm, I have no idea,” Pentious shrugged.

“Uh… Serpent? You’ve… uh… got something hanging out of the side of your mouth.”

“Oh!” Pentious said, then sucked in what remained of the annoying mamba. “Sorry about that, I got hungry waiting for you and got a snack. You know… you don’t have to call me… Sir Pent,” he said, their communication still garbled. “You could… if you wanted… just call me Pent. I mean, you said it was okay to call you Niss, so it would seem only fair if…”

“That sounds find to me, Pent,” he said. “What ride do you want to check out next?”

“Preferably one that won’t cause any motion sickness. I’m quite full and things might get most unpleasant if I got sick right now. Oh, I know!” Pentious said, grabbing Arackniss by the wrist and pulling him along. “Let’s go on the log flume and get a picture!” Pentious pointed eagerly.

“A… a water ride?” he asked, stammering slightly. In his mind, a dark voice was singing “the itsy-bitsy spider, went up the waterspout. Down came the rain, and washed the spider out…”

“Niss? Niss? You okay?” Pentious asked. “Did you get too much sun again?”

“No, I just got distracted.” He was a fully-grown, powerful male spider. He was NOT afraid of a little water ride. He could handle rain. Why not something that was perfectly safe, routinely tested to avoid lawsuits? That was to say, Hell didn’t have any safety regulations for amusement rides, seeing as how even a horrific accident wouldn’t kill the riders… but fear of lawsuits kept the parks somewhat self-regulated. Most of the lawyers in Hell were literal sharks, and they were known to extract their “pound of flesh” from those they litigated against by any means necessary.

…

Twenty minutes of line later, Arackniss realized he was wrong. He was very wrong. He was still afraid of water rides. He was completely frozen up, internally screaming. At least Pentious seemed to enjoy the drop.

As he was trying to get his legs back under him, Pentious came flying over with a smile that could have lit up even the darkest nights of Hell. “I got matching keychains!” he declared. “To remember the occasion!”

… Arackniss stared at it. He looked AWFUL. But Pent… yeah, it was worth keeping for how happy Pent looked.

“Why don’t we go over to the shooting gallery?” he suggested. That was where he could show off, setting off every single light and animatronic figure in the gallery near simultaneously with the ability to shoot perfectly with all arms at once.

Wide-eyed and clearly impressed, Pentious clapped. “I want to try next,” he said.

He hit none of the targets.

“Guns… guns are old-fashioned anyway. LASERS are where it is at, as the cool kids say,” Pentious huffed, annoyed. Never mind that the guns he’d just failed to hit anything with shot light instead of bullets and were in essence budget laser guns.

“You want to do bumper cars?”

“I always have trouble fitting into them. Can we check out those wooden roller coasters?”

“I think my stomach has settled enough, how about yours?”

.

Speaking of stomachs… Niffty has been shifting uncomfortably back and forth. “Um… guys? I think that communion wafer upset my tummy,” she said.

“You actually ATE it?” Cherri asked in shock. When he saw Niffty’s face in the rear-view mirror though, she realized it was serious. She just barely got the car over to the side of the road and the door open when everything from Niffty’s giant snack bag came back up.

After a few moments of listening to her retching, Roachbert cautiously spoke up. “… Anyone else gonna eat that?” he asked.

Suddenly, everyone else in the car felt a little queasy too. “I hope Arackniss is having better luck than we are,” Angel groaned.

.

Pentious couldn’t stop giggling while Arackniss grumbled angrily, his arms all crossed. “I can’t believe they had to check to make sure I was tall enough to ride this,” he grunted. “Stop giggling!” Pentious shrank back and Arackniss felt a sliver of guilt over yelling at his date. “So… sorry.”

“Don’t worry, you’re tall enough to ride me. TALL ENOUGH TO RIDE WITH ME!” Pentious corrected quickly as both flushed and looked away from one another.

Slowly, slowly, Arackniss reached out a hand and managed to interlock one finger with one finger on Pentious’ hand. Quietly, they waited for their turn on the roller coaster.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1) So yesterday a wild turkey in the road and a bunch of people being like "OMG WE HAVE NEVER SEEN TURKEY BEFORE" actually did cause congestion that caused me to get home late... 
> 
> 2) ANGST BOMB COMING IN THE NEXT CHAPTER. You have been warned. 
> 
> Lyrics credits: Daryl Hall & John Oates - Maneater


	5. It must have been love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spider meets snake. Spider loses snake. Will spider... get snake back again?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for transphobic slur and angst explosion

“I… I remember now. The roller coaster. The… tunnel of love…” Pentious said, looking away so that he wouldn’t have to make eye contact with the princess or her grumpy girlfriend while he said it. “But I also… remember how your keychain got broken.” 

“… Pent…” 

“I think I just need a little air, if that’s all right? By myself. Don’t worry, I won’t go outside,” he said, getting up and slithering away. 

The two women looked at Arackniss, who was hanging his head. That… hadn’t been his best moment. 

. 

“Are we there yet?” Niffty asked. 

“We’re still two hours away,” Cherri sighed. 

“I texted this venom expert to let him know we’re running late and he says that’s fine, he didn’t have other plans today.” Noticing the worn expression on Cherri’s face, Angel continued. “You getting tired? Need to pull off to rest?” Perhaps making all those stops along the way wasn’t such a good idea, as they had now been on the road for approaching eight hours and they still had two hours left to drive. The interior of the car was also starting to fill up with souvenirs, as there was no more room in the trunk. 

Husk had passed out and was snoring loudly. It was getting dark outside, and they were on unfamiliar roads even with the GPS. “Next gas station is in twenty miles,” Angel informed Cherri. 

“We’d better stop. There are getting to be fewer and fewer places to get gas as we get away from the city.” 

“Fewer and fewer houses and other buildings, too,” Angel responded. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen Hell’s night sky like this before.” 

“Those aren’t real stars. I don’t remember what they are, but… I remember reading they’re fakes.” 

“Doesn’t really matter,” Angel said, stretching a best he could with the space he had in the passenger seat. 

“It does. You can’t wish upon a fake star.” 

Angel paused, looking at Cherri’s face in what little light remained in the car. She looked unusually serious. He decided not to push it further, simply settling back to enjoy the view, whether it was fake or not. There was still a certain serenity to it. 

“Are we there yet?” 

“One hour and fifty minutes, Niffty,” Angel sighed. 

. 

The sound of tires squealing as Arackniss left skid marks in the driveway reached Sir Pentious, sitting on the floor of his living room and weeping as he held his hands over his bruised eye. 

Three months. Three months of intense friendship, laughter, long nights watching movies together, and then… Arackniss walked in to find Pentious wearing an extremely fitted pin-stripe suit top, one that hugged all his delightful curves like a glove. One might think he was wearing a yellow shirt, if they didn’t know his chest scales were yellow and that he couldn’t wear one without irritating that sensitive eye on his chest. “What do you think? I just got it from the tailor today. I figure that if I’m going to make a bid for Overlord, I need to be stylish,” he said, dragging out the first s. 

“It’s snappy, but… uh… no offense, but it kind of makes you look like a dude,” Arackniss laughed lightly, thinking he was being funny. 

Pentious stared at him in confusion. “Why would that be a problem? I am a dude.” 

You could practically hear the sound of a needle dragging across a record. Arackniss went blank-faced. “You’re a what?” he asked, as a dry wind and a tumbleweed blew through behind him. The eggs had left the door open and it had blown in behind Arackniss. 

“How do they phrase it now? Assigned male at birth?” 

“… But… but… you wear dresses!!” 

“I got used to wearing them in my previous job as a burlesque performer. I guess gender doesn’t really matter to me all that much. I don’t really feel like I’m too attached to either male or female. I’m not sure if I want to go as far as to call myself non-binary yet, but I’m leaning towards…” 

“Answer this question, simply and easily. Do you have a penis?” 

“No!” 

“Oh, thank Luci…” 

“I have two.” 

Arackniss froze up again. “You’re… a… two… dicked… male… stripper…” 

“I… I thought you knew, given that I’m a snake, and it seems like everyone in Hell knows that about snake demons for some reason. Also, I was NOT a stripper, I was a hypnotist and burlesque performer! And that’s my old job! I’m working on a plan to become…” 

The snake was on the ground, whimpering as Arackniss had decked him hard in the face. “Why… why?” he asked. All Arackniss could see in his rage was his porn star brother’s face laughing at him. 

In his head, Anthony was laughing “You fell for a male stripper?! HAHAHAHA! After all the shit you talked about me?! What a riot!” 

“You tricked me!” he roared. 

“I… I genuinely didn’t know you didn’t know!!” 

“DO I LOOK GAY?!” he shouted, drawing his hand back to take another swing. The snake curled up in terror, covering his face with his tail. 

“Get off the boss,” one of the eggs said, trying to grab Arackniss. He spun back and smashed the egg up against the wall. He knew it was an egg, but somehow, he hadn’t expected it to crunch that easily into a dozen pieces as what was left of its insides oozed down the wallpaper. 

“Number six!” the snake cried in alarm, shrinking back when Arackniss once again turned to face him. 

“Don’t call me again, you fucking… fucking… TRAP!” he said, stomping out the door. 

Alone at home, he threw his keys down on the table when the keychain caught the corner of his eye. Picking it up in rage, he snapped it in half, and threw the half with the snake violently towards the trash can. It bounced off the edge, disappearing somewhere in his piles of unwashed laundry on the floor. 

Arackniss has done horrible things. Absolutely terrible things, both in life and death. But… but for the first time since arriving in Hell, he couldn’t stop the hot tears from flowing down his face. 

. 

It was three weeks before Arackniss decided to visit his favorite cake shop again. He made triple sure there was no snake in sight before entering. They’d gone there several times while they were still… friends… and he had been moderately worried about a run in. 

“Hey,” he said slowly to the spider at the counter. “Can I get a stra… no, I think I’ll get vanilla today. Black coffee as usual.” 

“Sure, if you want to grab a table, I’ll bring it out to you.” 

That was unusual but thinking nothing of it, he went to sit down. The speakers on the ceiling seemed louder than usual as a sad song filtered out. “I wake up lonely, this air of silence, in the bedroom and all around… It must have been love, but it's over now. It must have been good, but I lost it somehow.” 

He felt the waitress standing at his side. “Doesn’t this place ever play anything that isn’t from the… aaaaah!” he cried as the waitress poured the coffee over his head and followed it up by smashing the cake in his face. “What the hell?” he asked, jumping up. 

“You’re lucky that wasn’t hot coffee! I thought about it!” she said angrily, pointing the fingers from her two left hands in his face. “That poor snake waited every day for two weeks with two pieces of strawberry cake. He NEVER ate the second one. Don’t think I didn’t see his swollen eye.” 

“Yeah, well… good thing I waited three weeks to come back here then, isn’t it? He tricked me! He led me into thinking he was a woman when he was really hiding a pair of cocks!” 

“Did he ever actually SAY ‘I am a woman’ to you, or did you just assume?” 

“I…” he stopped. HAD the snake ever done or said anything to imply a sex or gender? He couldn’t think of a specific time, now that the waitress mentioned it. 

“Ha. Assuming makes an ass out of you and me, but right now, it’s only making an ass out of YOU. Did you give a shit about that snake for anything other than his body? Because you were FRIENDS? Or was getting the snussy your only reason for hanging out together?!” 

Only the sound of the radio broke the silence in the café as everyone stared at the two spiders. “It must have been love, but it's over now. From the moment we touched, till the time had run out… It was all that I wanted. Now I'm living without. It must have been love, but it's over now.” 

“STOP MOCKING ME!” he yelled at the ceiling. 

The waitress grunted and shoved a box in his hands. “The snake kept waiting because he wanted to give this back to you. Said it was important to you, and he didn’t know how else to reach you since you said not to call him. I thought about smashing it. The only reason I didn’t was because I didn’t want to hurt the snake further.” 

It was the clock. Completely refurbished, shined up like new, and working perfectly. 

Unable to find any other words, he simply shouted “I’m never coming back to this place again!” as he stormed out. 

“Good, don’t let the door hit you on the ass on the way out!” the waitress shouted after him. “Oh wait, you’re all ass!” 

He almost threw the clock down angrily when he got home, but he still wanted to give it back to his father regardless of how it had been fixed. As he was stomping across his moldy one-bedroom apartment, he stepped on something sharp and jumped back. When he looked down at the floor, the missing half of the keychain was lying there as if it had been waiting for him. 

He picked up the piece and collapsed onto his bed. “I’m such a fucking idiot,” he said, rolling over and burying his face in his pillows. A few moments later, he realized he was still covered in cake, and had now rubbed it all over his bed. “Fuck me,” he sighed. 

. 

“Are we there yet?” 

“One hour and twenty-five minutes, Niffty.” 

“You know, there’s a shortcut up ahead. It’s a small side road so your GPS probably won’t pick it up, but it’ll get us there in just under an hour instead,” Roachbert helpfully spoke up. “Right there, where that green sign is. Turn left.” 

“Gial Ackbar Avenue?” Cherri read the road sign. “I don’t know. Seems kind of sus.” 

“Come on, don’t you trust me?” Roachbert asked innocently. 

. 

“You still need air, or can we talk?” Arackniss asked cautiously. Pentious was perched in one of the larger hallway windows, having it cracked open just a bit. 

“We can talk.” 

“… You remember that first fight. Do you remember…” 

“How we got back together? Not entirely, but… I remember you standing on my lawn, soaking wet, screaming my name at the sky.” 

“I was only wet because your eggs threw a bucket of water at me.” 

. 

The heavy iron gates no longer opened for him when Arackniss arrived at Pentious’ house with a sense of dread in his chest. Too bad for the security system, the bars were spaced far enough apart that he could just slip right through them. He’d deleted every text and Pent’s phone number, so the only means of contact he had was going directly to the snake’s house. 

He knocked heavily on the door. Once again, the mail slot flipped open, and yellow eyes peered at him. “Password,” he said. 

“Boop boop boop, we changed the password. Try again never,” the egg said, slamming the mail slot shut. 

“Oh, come on! How am I supposed to apologize to Pent if he won’t talk to me?!” 

The mail slot opened again. “How is that my problem?” the egg asked in its halting voice before the slot slammed shut again. Well, Pent had apparently taught them how to be sassy since last time he’d visited. 

He went around to the side of the house where he knew Pentious had his workshop, figuring that was where he would be in the middle of the day. “Hey!” he shouted. “I know I fucked up, but can we talk? I…” 

He was suddenly drenched by a bucket of water thrown out an upstairs window. Two eggs were glaring at him from a second-story window. “I thought that was supposed to wash spiders out,” one said to the other. 

He sighed, then removed his outer jacket, leaving only his soaked white undershirt. If he was going to go full Marlon Brando, he was going to commit to it. “PENTIOUS!” he shouted up at the darkened house. “PENTIOUS! I JUST WANT TO TALK TO YOU!” 

The same second story window opened again, and a very exhausted-looking snake leaned out. “Pent!” he called up. “Pent, please. I…” 

“I promised myself I would never again be involved with anyone who hits me,” the snake hissed back at him, slamming the window. 

Arackniss lowered his head, picking up his jacket from the ground, he started slowly returning to his car. 

He hadn’t gotten far before he heard a click and the sound of a door opening. He looked back, his eyes meeting the snake’s as they studied one another from a safe distance. Pentious finally sighed. “You’re lucky I’m a liar who can’t keep promises,” he said. “Come in.” 

. 

After the GPS had adjusted itself, it seemed like Roachbert had been telling the truth about this being a shortcut. “We should be only about twenty minutes away now,” Angel informed the others. “I can’t quite tell because cell signal dropped a few minutes ago. Whatever, we’re still making good time.” 

Suddenly, just like the cell signal, the road dropped out from underneath them. The group screamed as the car fell, falling about twenty feet into a hole and landing with a loud, unpleasant crash. “Ooooh, I hope the princess got the extra travel insurance,” Angel mumbled, rubbing his head. He’d hit it on the roof of the car in the fall. 

Around the edges of the hole, dozens of pairs of small red eyes appeared, glowering down on the trapped occupants. It was only then that they realized not only did they have no cell signal… they had no radio signal. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lyrics credit
> 
> Roxette- It Must Have Been Love


	6. New Chapter Who Dis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Arackniss rescues a relationship. Everyone else launches a different kind of rescue.

“So, that’s the deal with my family,” Arackniss finished explaining to Pentious. “And that’s why I… freaked out.”

“It explains it, but it doesn’t excuse it,” Pentious huffed.

“I know that! But… I’m hoping… we can still be friends?”

“I suppose that would be…”

“Unless you’re still interested in being more than friends. I couldn’t blame ya if you weren’t, considering the shit I pulled,” Arackniss quickly added.

“… Are you really okay with that?”

“I can’t… I can’t call myself a man if I let my father’s and my brother’s hang-ups control my life, ya know?” The snake leaned in towards him, and at first, he thought the snake was going to laugh in his face… but he didn’t. Instead their mouths met very gently. The briefest of kisses. “You’re going to have to take it slow with me. I’ve never… been… interested in a man before. Or done *things* with one,” he stammered.

“I waited almost four months for my first kiss, didn’t I? I’m a very patient snake,” he said, snuggling in against the spider. “Not to say I wasn’t disappointed when I didn’t get it in in the Tunnel of Love.”

Arackniss did not want to explain that was because he’d been too terrified of the water ride to even think about romance on it. Baths didn’t bother him. Rain didn’t bother him. So why water and amusement parks??

“Yeah, well… I’m a very impatient spider, so I hope it doesn’t take that long to get to the next step,” he answered with a smile. “But I want you to make me a promise. One you can keep this time.”

“Hm?”

“Promise me that if I ever hit you again, you’ll toss me out on my ass and not look back.”

.

“It’s kind of ironic,” Pentious said, referring to their little trip down memory lane. “Back then you were the inexperienced one, but now… well… it’s slightly humiliating to say, but I can’t remember what it was like to experience sexual pleasure in this body.” With a knowing smile, he touched a finger up the spider’s lips. “Would you like to take this poor sinner’s virginity?” the snake teased.

The spider responded by completely flushing, red down to even his fingertips and spider paws. He stammered something out in Italian, which only lead to Pentious wrapping his body further around Arackniss. “Oh, yes! Speak Italian to me! But not for too long. I’m about two minutes from being publicly indecent.” Pentious was the only one he’d ever known who got hornier off hearing Italian than French, and he liked that.

“You got two minutes? I got about two seconds,” he said, picking the snake up in his arms and making a run back to Pentious’ room.

.

“I did not have tied to a pole in the middle of a corn field on my bingo card for this trip,” Angel Dust joked. The others gave him unimpressed looks.

“Ha ha ha ha!” Roachbert laughed. “Now that we’ve taken you prisoner, we roaches shall at last have our revenge… on the radio demon!”

“Wait a second… Al? This is about Al?!” Angel asked. “What did he ever do to you?”

“He took a sponsorship from Acme Roach Out! Do you know how hard it is to just survive and find food for your family when suddenly everyone goes out and buys roach spray just because some suave-talking mammal on the radio told them to?! We have been planning our revenge for years! Think about it. What are the chances that you’d just happen to need to visit a venom expert who lives far outside of the city, and that you’d casually choose to go down a side road that leads you into an area that is completely dead to radio and cell reception!” the roach laughed.

“… You created a plan that took years to execute… to kidnap us… because… you’re mad about a sponsorship Alastor has,” Husk groaned.

“…. Actually, we planned this whole thing in a couple of weeks after we were approached by that Ghost freak, but we’ve been planning on revenge in general for decades!”

“You could have tried getting a job instead of relying on stealing from other demon’s pantries.”

“That’s not the roach mantra! Are you dissing on the traditional roach way of life?!”

“How did you know we’d stop at Hell’s balls?” Niffty asked.

“We knew the kitty wouldn’t be able to resist seeing the yarn.”

“I wasn’t the one who wanted to stop!” Husk protested. “You clearly know that cutting Al off from radio waves weakens his abilities, so you must also know it doesn’t completely stomp them out. He’s still got more than enough juice in him to wipe all of you out even without access to the radio waves. So why don’t you stop this stupid little plan of yours, untie us, and…”

“That is true. But without access to his backup power supply, will he be able to take out… the killopede?!” Roachbert announced dramatically. The corn stalks began to wave, and the roaches began to chant. In a scene straight out of some fifth sequel to Children of the Corn, a massive multi-legged demon appeared, gaping mouth wide and dripping with saliva. It was exactly what they said it was: like a centipede demon, but with a thousand instead of a hundred legs. And at least a hundred times the size of a regular centipede demon, which in and of itself was much larger than a mortal world centipede.

“Didn’t you wonder why this area is an absolute radio dead zone? The killopede silences all radio and cellular waves that come within range of it. Once it swallows the radio demon, he’ll never get back out. And we’ll never have to hear an ad for Roach Out again!” Roachbert laughed. “And he’d better hurry up and figure out something is wrong, or you’ll have to do as appetizers.”

.

Arackniss was snuggled up against Pentious when he started to dream. In his dream, he was facing his brother. “Go ahead,” he said, squaring his shoulders. “Laugh at me. Laugh at me for dating someone who is essentially… you… after everything I’ve said. After everything I’ve done. And mostly, after all the things I… the things I didn’t do or didn’t say when it was you against pops.”

“I can’t laugh. It’s not funny,” his mental Angel said. “Weren’t you listening to me at all, bro? I said I was disappointed in you. Disappointed that you’d value pop’s rage over not only Pentious’ feelings, but your own feelings. Okay, yeah, I’m pissed about stuff that happened in the past. But at the same time… sometimes I think that if I could have just been as strong as you, I could have kept on going like nothing was wrong with me, and I wouldn’t have broken up the family like I did,” dream Angel said, staring down at the ground.

“Me? Strong? You’re the one who was strong enough to be who he really is! I suppressed everything about myself except the parts pops valued! I’m the weak coward!” He stopped, feeling hot tears on the corners of his eyes. “Nothing is wrong with you. You should be asking what’s wrong with me.”

“… I wish I could have this conversation with my real brother.”

“I don’t mind being the one who lives rent-free inside your head, but yeah, you two are gonna have to deal with this eventually. Running from this is only going to get yourself and Pentious hurt.”

“… You’re right. Surprisingly.”

“Aw, did you just admit that I’m right for once?”

“For once. And anyway, you’re just a figment of my imagination, a dream. Of course, you’re right, you’re me.”

“Aaaaactually, hi Niss, I’m using our psychic link to tell you that I’m tied up in a corn field about to be devoured by a massive creature with a thousand legs because a bunch of roaches have a beef with Smiles. So, if you guys would hurry out here and help us out when you’re done having wet dreams about your boyfriend, that’d be great. And don’t worry, I didn’t watch. But I would if you gave me permission.”

Arackniss woke up with a start. “DAMN IT, ANTHONY!” he shouted, startling Pentious awake.

.

“I was slightly worried when they went off the paved roads onto a dirt road through a radio dead zone, but I didn’t imagine it was part of a plot,” Alastor responded when Arackniss explained the message.

“How much of a problem is it that they’re in a radio dead zone?” Vaggie asked.

“It is like… a radio that can operate on batteries or by being plugged in. When I’m connected to radio waves, I can draw as much power as I need. When I’m not, I’m limited to my own internal battery. I’m still quite strong, but they are either fools or have some reason to assume this killopede can exceed my limits.”

“… I have an idea,” Vaggie said. “It’s a risky one, but we don’t have many options right now.”

.

“Oh, geeze,” Angel coughed as the killopede advanced on them. “Doesn’t this guy ever brush his teeth?”

“THAT’S your primary concern?” Cherri asked angrily.

As the killopede approached, dangerously close now, an unmistakable red microphone stand broke through the air, piercing the ground directly in front of the monster. It reared back, as a moment later, a familiar figure in red landed heavily next to it in a dramatic anime-esque pose, complete with coat blowing in the wind.

“Radio demon. So glad you came to meet your doom!” Roachbert laughed.

“Al, look out! That thing cancels radio waves!” Husk shouted, glad that Roachbert had given out that information during his villain monologue. “It’ll nullify your powers!”

Alastor slowly stood up, retrieving his staff from the ground. “I don’t need my powers to take care of a little roach problem,” he said, tightening his grip on the microphone.

“Everyone, inexplicably attack one at a time!” Roachbert ordered, and the roaches lunged forward. Moving impossibly fast, using the radio staff like a bō weapon, the figure in red easily dispatched roach after roach. None of them even got close before they were clocked with one end of the staff or another, send them flying and missing teeth into the cornfield.

“…This can’t be happening! The radio demon isn’t a physical fighter! He…” Roachbert stopped and sniffed the air. His eyes narrowed. “That’s… that’s the scent of a MOTH! That’s not the radio demon!” he shrieked.

“Heh,” Vaggie said, letting the glamour drop. “Took you long enough to figure it out,” she grinned, spinning her spear around in her hands for emphasis. “Charlie, now!”

“Taste Acme, motherforkers!” Charlie said, leaping out of the corn field. She was wearing a gas mask and had cans of the roach spray strapped all over her body, and one in each hand as she pressed down on the release buttons.

“… Mother… forker…” Angel said, eye twitching.

“I don’t like swearing!” she called back.

A moment later he felt his arms being released as the real Alastor cut the binding ropes. He’d freed Angel last, of course.

“You… you may have defeated my army of roaches,” Roachbert coughed. “But you’ll never defeat the killopede! It is completely immune to the radio demon’s powers!”

“But not to mine,” Cherri said, pulling an RGP launcher out of thin air and aiming it.

“Oh. Shit.” Roachbert said, antennae dropping as Cherri launched a rocket grenade straight into the thing’s mouth.

“Barrier now, Alastor!” Vaggie shouted, grabbing Charlie and pulling them all together.

The killopede exploded, sending bug guts rocketing through the sky in a display of blood and fireworks. Only the demons beneath Alastor’s dome weren’t completely showered in guts.

“Thanks for showing up to save us… but how’d you guys get here so fast?” Angel asked.

“We borrowed Pentious’ blimp,” Charlie explained. “He got it working just in time for us to come save you.”

“… And was it directly above us when the killopede exploded?” Husk asked.

“… Fuck,” Vaggie said, as they heard a secondary crash off in the cornfield.

Roachbert tried to make a desperate run for it but found himself blocked by a frowning Niffty. “N… Niffty… dear… you have to understand… my point of view… right?” he said, trembling.

“You pretended to be my friend just so you could try to hurt my real friends,” she responded angrily.

“I recommend not observing this if you have a weak stomach,” Alastor said as Roachbert’s screams tore through the night air. “Listener discretion is… advised.”

“Ugh. Well, the car was damaged too badly to drive by their stupid trap, and with the blimp crashed AGAIN, I guess Alastor will have to teleport us to this expert’s house and we’ll have to figure out what to do from there,” Cherri suggested.

“No can do.”

“What do you mean, no can do?”

“We’re still in a radio dead zone, and there’s more of you than I can carry without a secondary power supply.”

“So… we’re going to have to… walk. In the dark, in the middle of nowhere, through a corn field filled with bug guts.”

“Not to worry, I brought a combination high-power flashlight and digital music player!” Alastor said helpfully. “I’ve got the six hours of a Prairie Home Companion we didn’t get to listen to earlier on here.”

“Can you put the killopede back together so it can eat me?” Angel Dust asked.

.

“We’re finally here!” Husk said as the expert’s house came into view.

“I’ll see if I can arrange for a charter van to pick us up tomorrow morning,” Charlie said. “I hope the expert doesn’t mind us asking to stay the night.”

“Or I could just teleport us home. There should be enough signal here for my powers to pick up on.”

Husk glared at Alastor. “You said the distance was too far to teleport and that’s why we had to drive in the first place.”

“Did I?”

“Yes, you did. And we could have taken Pentious’ blimp even if you couldn’t have teleported us, if it was that close to being finished! You… you intentionally set me up on a road trip with those idiots!”

“You needed a vacation, Husker. All work and no play makes Jack a dull kitty!”

“… Imma going to let you teleport us home. Then, I’m gonna punch your face in.”

…

“Oh, hello,” the venom expert said, opening the door. “I wasn’t expecting visitors so late.” They were surprised to see he was a brightly colored frog, but perhaps psychedelics were what got him interested in venom.

“We’ve been texting you that we’re coming all day,” Angel Dust pointed out. “We ordered the Forget Me Not antidote.”

“Oh? But… you… already picked up your order?” the expert said, confused.

Their faces went blank. “Exactly who picked up our order?” Vaggie finally asked, breaking through the silence.

“A white spider, exactly as your text said. Here, my ring camera got a picture,” he said, showing them his phone.

They looked at it. “That’s a white snake in a spider costume!” Angel shouted. “How could you mistake that for an actual spider?!”

“It is?” the expert asked. “Hang on, let me get my spectacles,” he said, pulling a pair of glasses out of his pocket. “Oh, would you look at that, it is. How funny.”

“Can you just… prepare another order for us?” Vaggie sighed.

“Oh… uh… well… I gave everything I had on hand to the snake-spider. It’ll take me another six months or so to collect enough venom to make another batch of antidote.”

“Friends, we seem to have found ourselves in a shaggy dog story trope. What a vexing but not entirely unexpected twist!” Alastor declared.

“Perhaps the real lesson was the bugs we squashed along the way,” Cherri suggested.

.

Roachbert was barely regaining consciousness when he realized a massive white snake was looming over him. “I practically handed the radio demon to you in a gift basket,” Ghost hissed, picking up what was left of the roach. He slammed the roach’s head and upper thorax back together so he’d have a larger piece to shout at. “And you FAILED. Which means I still have to deal with that barrier keeping me away from my beloved!”

“And which means, I still have to deal with you, Ghost,” another voice said. Ghost perked his hood up in annoyance. “I told you the limitations of his powers, and even with this little roach army, you still failed to destroy him.”

“Yeah, yeah, keep your pants on. We’ll all get our revenge soon enough.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, Alastor absolutely COULD have teleported them all from the corn field. He’s just being some rather salty venison.


	7. Epilogue: Night of the Krampus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Krampus really does bring gifts to bad little demons. (With some bonus content at the end because why not?)

“We went through all that trouble, ruined your blimp (again) and didn’t even manage to get the antidote to get your memory back,” Husk sighed.

They were all sitting around the lobby, enjoying warm holiday drinks that may or may not have contained alcohol depending on the individual’s personal tastes. It was a few weeks later, and the group was enjoying a relaxed Krampus eve.

“It is not… so bad,” Pentious said. “It has been exciting falling in love with my spider for the second time,” the snake smiled.

“So, does this mean you’re finally going to tell pops?” Angel Dust asked.

“When I’m… ready.”

“Arackniss…”

“Please don’t fight. I am okay with waiting. Arackniss is worth waiting for,” Pentious broke in, snuggling up to his spider.

“You two are so cute you make me sick,” Angel said. “Hey, how come snake gets to have his boyfriend over all the time and you don’t say a word, but whenever I try to bring a guy back to the hotel…”

“That’s because they’re in a dedicated relationship and not a random hook-up,” Vaggie informed him.

Angel Dust grunted in annoyance, but seemed to get over it quickly. He turned around, giving Alastor a huge grin. “Heeeeeey, Aaaaaaaaal. You’re standing under the mistletoe,” he said slowly.

Alastor looked up. The mistletoe burst into flames and was reduced to ashes in seconds. “Oh, my! Who knew that spontaneous mistletoe combustion was a thing!” Alastor said, sounding as innocent as he ever could.

“Ho, ho, ho!” the giant animatronic Krampus laughed in a merry tone.

“… Right, I was going to fix that, wasn’t I?” Pentious asked, sliding off the couch. “Just give me a moment, this shouldn’t be too complicated. Gotta unplug this first, wouldn’t want to… IEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!” the snake shrieked as electricity shot through his body.

“Pent, Pent, are you okay?” Arackniss cried, running over to him.

Pentious coughed out a small black cloud. “I see your problem, princess. There’s a bad wire in the plug.” He rubbed his head. “Wh… wait a second! My memory! It’s back! My memory is back!” the snake cried happily, hugging Arackniss tightly and rubbing their cheeks together.

“Ha ha ha ha,” the giant Krampus laughed in a sinister tone, and all was right in Hell for one night.

.

“Hey, Pent, what are you hoping the Krampus brings you?” Arackniss asked, unbuttoning his jacket.

“You know you have to keep it a secret or you might not get it,” Pentious chided. “Although I don’t know what Baxter is going to ask for now that he got his wish and the princess moved me into a different room.”

“Have you been a bad enough boy to get a gift from the Krampus?” Arackniss asked, hanging up his shirt.

“I’ve been a very bad boy this year. Perhaps I need a spanking.”

“Only if I get to use your tail as a weighted blanket afterwards.”

.

As the two slept in each other’s arms, a figure entered the room. It was tall and hairy, with large horns. It had one humanoid foot and one hoof. It carried a large basket on its back. It looked down on the sleeping pair for a moment, before vanishing again. The snake twitched slightly in his sleep, feeling warm and happy, but didn’t wake up. He just buried his face in his partner’s neck fur further and continued to slumber.

.

“The Krampus really DID come!” Angel Dust said excitedly, opening the box. “And he brought us back all the souvenirs we left in the rental car!”

“No, you idiot, a courier came,” Vaggie sighed.

“On Krampus day?”

“Yes, because he was also bringing a bill for the repair costs, which they want paid ASAP.”

“That wasn’t our fault! It was that roach guy!” he argued back.

“It kind of was, because you listened to some rando giving you directions!”

He wanted to argue back that technically that was Niffty’s fault, but he knew better than to potentially upset her while Alastor was watching. “Hey, sleepy head,” he said to his brother, who was just coming down the stairs while rubbing the sleep out of his multiple eyes. “You give your boyfriend his Krampus day morning wood already?”

“… I really hate you.”

“Love you too, bro. Here, I even got you two a gift on that road trip,” he said, shoving something into Arackniss’ hands. There was a small shirt that said ‘I love balls” and a larger shirt that said ‘Big balls here’ with pictures of Hell’s largest balls on them.

“We’re never wearing these, you know that right?”

“I got a gift for you too, Al,” he said, giving the very hesitant radio demon a mug.

“… You can’t touch the balls,” he read out loud. “I was going to say that it was unusually generous of you to bring everyone gifts, but I rescind the compliment.”

“I though it fit your personality. And you can’t rescind a compliment you never made. Here, I got you two a couple's mug,” he said, handing it to Charlie and Vaggie. It was basically two mugs that had been glued together.

“... While it’s the thought that counts, how are we supposed to drink out of this?” Vaggie asked.

“With straws?” Angel suggested.

“... How did my blimp get back to the hotel?” Pentious asked, finally coming down the stairs. “It’s tied to the top of the building and appears to be in full working order. Who did you find who could understand my work enough to fix it?!”

“... We didn’t... find... anyone...” Charlie said in confusion.

“Maybe the Krampus really DID come,” Angel Dust whispered.

:

Bonus Scene 1

Angel Dust: What's wrong with you, Niss? You look terrible. 

Arackniss: Pent wanted to check out that Mandalorian show because he keeps hearing how popular it is. 

Angel: And? 

Arackniss: We were awake all night caring for traumatized Egg Bois. They gotta warn for that shit.

Bonus Scene 2

Ghost: *sings Hellfire from the Hunchback of Notre Dame about Pentious* I will find him! I will find him if I have to burn down all of Hell!! He will be mine or he… will… BURN!”

Pentious: *stares* We're already burning in Hell, and that doesn’t make you any less creepy.

Arackniss: Wait, this is a bonus scene, so it doesn’t count towards the actual content of this fic, right?

Ghost: Yes. Why do you ask?

Arackniss: *kicks Ghost in both of his dicks*

Bonus Bonus Content

OC Character Profile

Demon Name: Ghost

Human Name: Thaddeus Appletop

Age/Time of Death: Mid-50’s, 3-5 years prior to Pentious (he changes his story frequently), of illness in India

Appearance: an albino king cobra. He originally had four arms but had since lost one. He has some blue eyes on his body, but far fewer than Pentious and noticeably not on his hood as he has no hypnotic abilities.

Personality: Narcissist, pathological liar, and domestic abuser. He can be charming when things are going his way, but when they aren’t, he quickly flips. What’s his is his and what’s yours is his. He attempted to commit murder/suicide by Exorcist rather than accept his days of stardom were over. He has a thing for younger men as he wants to be with someone he can control.

Abilities: In life and in death, Ghost’s major motivator is to constantly be the center of attention. In a fitting bit of ironic punishment, his main power as a demon is the ability to disappear. He says he can also detect lies, but as he is a pathological liar himself, it is uncertain if this is true.

Why he’s in Hell: He killed three former lovers by forcing drug overdoses on them after he either thought they were starting to outshine him, or he feared they would leave him.


End file.
